Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
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