You smell like a Billy Joel song
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
