Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
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