the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
