Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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