So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
