I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
