Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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