the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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