I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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