just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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