why im i the only drunk person in the library?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
