He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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