shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
