no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
