R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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