went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
