I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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