I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
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she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
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There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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