He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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