if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
