Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
