I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She's the barista slut.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
