I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
