Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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