Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
