It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
