Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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