Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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