Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Of course I have a pirate flag
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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