Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
