I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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