His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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