I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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