I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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