My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
