He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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