You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
