alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
