I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
