you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize