I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
