My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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