The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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