I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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