I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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