I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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