the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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