either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
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Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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