You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
