Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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