The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
