The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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