it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
