My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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