y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
