I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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