I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
