We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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