matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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